Monday 29th August 2016
20 days ago one of my best friends, only friends, longest friend, died and I am heartbroken.
Me and Siobhan met each-other 11 years ago this year. I was already working at Barratts and Siobhan started a while after. She was 16 and I was 17.
Our friendship started by us actually picking on each-other. Looking back now this is a very Siobhan thing, we all know her sense of humour. Nothing hurtful, always playful but I decided one day that I wanted to get to know this funny girl better and we decided to head to Pizza Hut after work. Long story short my mum was ready to pick me up before our Pizza even arrived, this became something we laughed about every-time we ate pizza….this was a lot! So we grabbed our food to go and dropped Siobhan home but from then on we became best friends and as well as seeing each-other at work nearly everyday, we also saw each-other out of work….everyday.
When I left school at 16 I also left all my friends. Whilst they all remained in contact, I didn’t and for around a year I didn’t really have any proper friends apart from trying to tag along with my sister and hers. So Siobhan was a breath of fresh air.
We are very different people but I think that’s what worked in our friendship and I like to think we brought out each-others good qualities. We have so many memories and Im praying that I never forget them. They are some of the happiest times and Im thankful for those 11 years.
Trying to deal with the loss of a friend is one of the hardest things I have had to do and whilst I feel like Im coping – Im crumbling nearly every night.
I’ve only really had 3 major (close) losses in my life and I have regrets about them all but I think with Siobhan the most.
The last time I went to see my Nan Lil was when she was in hospital. I stood near the end of her bed for a second or two before I walked out to the corridor. This lady did not look like my Nan Lil and it was upsetting, but even more so because it was the last time I got to see her. That feeling of walking away still remains in the pit of my stomach.
Every-time I saw Nan I would always give her a kiss goodbye…always! You never know when the last time could be so do not forget! We’d gone round to Nan’s, Im sure it was after work but she was very sick that day so when we left I said goodbye with a wave and we were gone. I didn’t give her my kiss goodbye. That was the last time and Im so angry at myself!
With Siobhan, I felt ashamed. Embarrassed. A terrible friend. Its taken alot for me to share this but I feel like this is a stepping stone to forgiving myself and coming to terms with the situation Im in.
There was a time when me and Siobhan were inseparable but the last few years we went through stages of growing closer and then life gets in the way so you dont see each-other. The next month you see/speak everyday. This happens to everyone right? Life comes in with its big bag of everything, including the kitchen sink which needs fixing so sometimes it just takes a little longer to sort your plans for a night in with a glass of wine and pizza. That’s what happened with us. There are others reasons which contributed to this which wont be mentioned but the last year I definitely sensed the difference in our personalities shinning through more and if Im completely honest, I feel like I gave up on our friendship.
Leading up to the 9th August, Siobhan was not in my good books so the missed call wasn’t returned and the last message received went unread for a few days. Please believe me when I say that if you are annoyed with someone over something so stupid, get over it! Its not important! That time spent being mad, angry or annoyed at someone is time you are missing out on laughing with them. In true Stacey style if Im annoyed, Ill ignore you until Im over it but how I wish so much I had just told her what was wrong. We could’ve bitched, then laughed and gotten on with things like we always have done. Hindsight is a wonderful thing – NOT!
When someone passes or at least for me, and with Siobhan, I blamed myself. I started questioning everything I had said and done because it didn’t make sense to me that she was gone. I wasn’t a good friend, I had let her down it was simply my fault. Its not. Sometimes situations happen, people happen and all you can do is be waiting for when they want to come back to the friendship you’re offering. Siobhan always knew me and my family were here for her and Im just sorry I didn’t push that little bit harder but you cannot live with regret.
All I can say is thank god for voice notes! Yup, never thought Id ever say that! Siobhan is the only person that would ever send me them. 3,4,5 of them in a row and it bugged the hell out of me! If you’re at home lounging on your sofa, not a problem but if you’re at work or in the pub – Hello lady I cannot hear you.
Now, I can always here that infectious laugh, that sarcastic tone and that friendly voice.
As you can tell the start of this was written a while ago but I wanted to share the situation I am in. I find it hard to talk about my feelings so this is my outlet and maybe something you guys can also relate to.
Love Stacey x
2 months today and my heart is still breaking. I love you. I miss you.